


Put Your Hand in Mine (It'll All Be Fine)

by quinnovative



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Big Sister Alex Danvers, Big Sister Maggie Sawyer, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Sanvers - Freeform, SuperCorp, this summary is so rough i'll fix it later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-03-24 03:42:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13802670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quinnovative/pseuds/quinnovative
Summary: Lena struggles with depression just as her newly established relationship with Kara is supposed to be perfect. Their relationship is strained under miscommunication and Lena's facade of "everything's okay," until she can't pretend anymore.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have to start with a shoutout to AllyC13 who gave me the prompt that started this story months ago, and I'm really, really sorry it took me so long to finally get something I deemed worthy of posting but I hope you like it :) Thank you so much for being so patient and always sending in awesome prompts. 
> 
> Also thank you to @azrjwni on twitter, who sent in another prompt which will have an impact on the later chapters. 
> 
> Also, I wrote this during a time I should have been studying for a big Spanish oral that I have tomorrow so if anyone feels like sending some good vibes in my direction, I'd be grateful :):) Anyway, let me know what you guys think!

Lena twisted under the sheets, turning so her nose pressed against the pillow and her face was shielded from the light penetrating the bedroom window. Burrowing more closely into the dip of blankets around her sent warmth through her fingertips and toes, radiating toward her core. A sigh escaped her lips, eyelids slipping closed without protest.

“Lena?”

“Mmh?” she mumbled and tugged the blanket up closer to her nose.

“Gotta get up for work if you want to be on time.” Kara sat on the edge of the mattress and it dipped beneath her, sent Lena’s body sliding closer.

“Mhmm no,” she groaned, flopping onto her stomach. She huffed for a moment, but couldn’t suppress the grin that slipped across her lips as Kara peeled back the blanket, laughing at Lena’s mussed hair.

“Good morning,” Kara said with sunshine seeping from her smile as she bent forward to kiss Lena.

“Morning,” Lena mumbled softly around Kara’s lips, shifting in bed until she was sitting upright. “I really don’t know how you’re so awake right now after we were up so late last night.”

Kara’s shoulder rose and fell in a simple shrug as blush painted her cheeks pink. She looked down, a smile flirting on her lips. “Come on,” Kara said finally, bumping Lena’s shoulder. “You’ve gotta get going. Big day for you today, you excited?”

Lena shrugged and her grin wavered.

Kara nudged Lena until she slid over and the blonde sunk down so she was lying next to the other woman. She turned her head so they were facing each other, noses mere inches apart. “What’s that mean? What’s got you worried? You were so excited for the test run that you didn’t stop talking about it at all last week and now…?”

Lena blew out a breath and stared up at the ceiling. “I don’t know.” She pushed off the sheets.

“ _Lena,”_ Kara said softly, watching as Lena stood up and started getting ready, changing into the business clothes she’d brought over to Kara’s yesterday when they decided to spend the night together.

“It’s nothing.” Lena swapped a pair of Kara’s sleep shorts for a black pencil skirt.

Kara bit her lip, fidgeting with the sheets as she sat up and crisscrossed her legs. The silence ate at her as Lena rummaged through her bag for her bra, back turned to Kara.

“Well,” Kara declared after the quiet stretched too long. “I’m still going to make you a really awesome dinner to celebrate the first official trial of L-Corp’s newest world—wait, no, _galaxy—_ changing technology.”

“Kara, it’s really not a big deal. You don’t have to make me dinner for this.”

The blonde pursed her lips, pulling a pillow into her lap. “Then consider it a dinner to celebrate our one month, three weeks and…” she looked up for a moment, mouth moving as she counted silently. “five days anniversary.”

A laugh bubbled forward as Lena finished buttoning her shirt, turning around and losing a battle to the smile that pulled across her face at the sight of Kara hugging the pillow in her lap, sheets gathered in haphazard piles around her legs, bent slightly up toward her chest and beaming.

“Okay,” Lena acquiesced.

Kara was glowing with the early morning sunshine casting a halo on her blonde hair. “Perfect! My place or yours?”

“Mine?” Lena proposed. “It’s closer to L-Corp.”

“It’s a date.” Kara balanced on her knees to lean forward, press a kiss to Lena’s lips. “I’ll see you at seven?”

Lena finished securing her hair into a bun and nodded. “You can just let yourself in earlier to get started on things if you need to and I’ll meet you there.”

Kara smiled, held Lena’s hand to steady her as she slipped into black high heels. “I think it’s really great what you’re doing.  Categorizing shared biomarkers to help make medicine more universal to humans and aliens alike? It’s brilliant.” Kara tilted back to look her girlfriend in the eyes. “Lena, you’re brilliant.”

Lena’s cheeks turned red as she unplugged her phone from where it’d been charging on Kara’s nightstand. “Thank you, Kara. But it’s really just what I _should_ do, after everything my family’s done... If this doesn’t work out I don’t—I don’t know what I’ll do.”

Kara shook her head. “You’ll text me the results of the first trials? I want to be the first to know when Lena Luthor solves the world’s problems.”

A flash of doubt dropped Lena’s gaze before she shook her head and looked back up. “Honestly, a lot might not even happen today, Kar.”

“That’s okay! Sorry, I’m just excited for you!” Kara walked her to the door. “Just text me updates. If you feel up to it, of course. I mean, I’m sure you’ll be busy today with everything, I don’t want you to feel like you _have_ to text me. I just want you to know that you can, if you want to, because I’m always up to talking to you about anything really so just… sorry I’m rambling. Just, have a good day, okay? I’ll see you later.”

Lena laughed softly, pulling the apartment door open. “Thanks, Kara. I’ll do my best to text you. Have a good day as well. I love you.”

Kara’s grin spread impossibly bigger. “Love you, too.”

/

When Lena texted Kara in the late afternoon, it was four hours delayed and her response to Kara’s gentle inquiring was clipped—a short apology and a promise that nothing of value had happened yet. Then she went silent for another set of hours, while the day turned into night.

“Hey,” Kara greeted when the front door opened. She hung back for a moment, trying to read Lena’s expression.

When Lena’s response was only a murmured ‘hi’ as she slipped off her coat and stepped out of her shoes, Kara lingered in the threshold between the kitchen and living area.

She gave Lena another moment to fill the silence with details about her day or how she was feeling, but the CEO kept her head down as she carried her heels to her room and dropped them in the closet.

Lena appeared back in the kitchen, rubbing her eyes and walking toward Kara.

“Sorry,” Lena said, shaking her head. “I shouldn’t have been so short with you. It’s just umm, it’s just been a long day.”

“It’s okay.” Kara stepped away from the vegetables she was chopping and wrapped her arms around Lena’s shoulders. “I’m sorry, too. Supergirl duty called so I’m just now getting started on dinner.”

Lena shook her head, dismissing Kara’s concern.

“I missed having lunch with you today,” Kara said softly.

Lena felt a surge of guilt magnify the sinking feeling in her gut, the dread that had been seeping in for days, infiltrating her defenses. The CEO pulled back from the hug, pressed her lips against Kara’s in a kiss.

The blonde stiffened in surprise for a moment before reciprocating with a small laugh, murmuring her girlfriend’s name.

Lena curved her thumb to Kara’s jawline, tangled her other hand in blonde hair and tried to lose herself in the heat of the body pressed against her own. Her lips knocked against Kara’s, her hands as desperate and frenzied as the panic growing inside her.

Their feet tangled, stumbling through a dance toward Lena’s room where they bumped into the mattress, slipping onto the bed. Kara’s knee fell between Lena’s legs, sinking into the sheets as blonde hair slid over Kara’s shoulder and tickled Lena’s cheek.

Kara smiled, a laugh on her lips but Lena felt her heart drop at the sound. She tensed.

The Luthor pulled back and sat up, brushing her hair out of her face and pressing her fingertips against her temples where her head pounded. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have started that if I was going to…I just can’t right now, I… sorry, you deserve better than this,” she trailed off, looking down as she dropped her hands into her lap.

Kara leaned away, shaking her head and sitting back on her legs at the foot of the bed. She tucked her hair behind her ear. “You don’t have to apologize. I don’t care about that, I care about _you,_ Lena. What’s wrong? What happened today?” Her voice was suddenly firm with worry.

Lena raised her eyes, green meeting Kara’s blue and holding for a moment before flitting around the room. “Nothing, it’s stupid, I’m—I should have been more prepared, I messed it all up.”

“What do you mean?”

“A group of the blood samples got contaminated in storage during the attack last month. The initial reports didn’t note any damage in that area of the lab so I didn’t think to check it again but I should have, because we couldn’t start today and now we have to wait to obtain more samples so that we can perform an accurate cross-analysis between species. I just wish I weren’t so careless all the time. I always do this and now with the delay more aliens, more people could be dying of illnesses.”

Kara’s brows furrowed. “Lena, you’re one of the most thorough, meticulous people I know. It’s not your fault that someone else made a mistake.”

“But I’m in charge, I’m responsible for everything that goes on in my labs and now this is ruined.”

Kara reached out, squeezed Lena’s limp fingers. “I still disagree with you taking the blame, but even so, it’s no big deal, you’ll just start again as soon as possible, ya know?” She shrugged, kept seeking out Lena’s eyes. “This stuff happens. I believe in you.”

Lena forced a smile onto her face. “You’re too good for me,” she murmured, looking down, more to herself than Kara as a timer sounded in the kitchen.

The blonde stood up and watched Lena’s face pinch at the loud noise. Kara hesitated in the doorway, hand coming to rest on the frame. In her apartment the paint on the wood was chipped in some places, worn from game nights and pillow fights and being lived in. In Lena’s apartment it was pristine, without so much as a fingerprint smudged on the white. “Lena?” Kara began.

The woman raised her head and Kara continued, “That’s not true.”

/

Kara dealt with the beeping noise in the kitchen, returned to the bedroom a moment later with Advil and water for Lena’s headache. “Lee, are you okay?” Kara asked. The bed dipped as she sat on the edge beside Lena while the brunette swallowed the water before setting the glass on the nightstand.

She nodded. “I’m just tired and today was kind of a disappointment. I’m sorry for freaking out on you.”

“There’s nothing to apologize for.” Kara slung an arm around Lena’s waist and pulled her into a hug. “You should change into pajamas or something comfortable and relax for a little bit. You deserve it. I’ll come grab you when dinner’s ready if you’re still in here.”

Lena smiled, felt something warm pushing back at the cold tightness in her chest. “Thanks, Kara.”

“Of course.” Kara kissed her cheek and disappeared out the doorway. Lena flopped onto her bed and blew out a sigh.

/

“Lena?” Kara knocked on the doorframe before peeking in.

Her girlfriend was curled on her side, phone still resting in her open palm. Her eyes were closed, chest rising and falling beneath the button-down she’d put on that morning. The fabric was crinkled now, beginning to escape from the neat tuck into her skirt.

“Lena,” Kara tried one more time, whispering. The brunette didn’t move, lashes merely fluttering at her cheeks.

Kara shifted her weight on her feet. While Lena’s breath was coming the slowest Kara had heard it all day, a crease still formed between her brows and Kara fought the urge to smooth it out with her thumb. Instead, she diverted her fingers to Lena’s hair, drawing long lines from her temple down her scalp to the ends of each strand. Lena turned into the touch, a heavy exhale coming from her lungs.

Kara smiled softly through the pinch of worry in her chest.

She let time fall away for a few moments, just running her fingers through Lena’s hair and watching as her features softened. Kara glanced toward the kitchen, where dinner was waiting to be served onto plates, then back down at Lena.

A soft thud sounded as Kara eased Lena’s phone from her hand and resettled it onto the nightstand, plugging it into the charger, but Lena just twisted in her sleep, heartrate consistent in Kara’s ears.

/

“She still sleeping?” Alex asked, voice carrying softly over the phone while she spoke to Kara, three hours after Lena had fallen asleep.

“Yeah.” The blonde peered over the edge of her laptop from the corner of Lena’s bedroom where she’d curled in a chair, working on an article for Snapper. “But she might actually be waking up. I’ll call you back.”

“Sounds good. Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Kara stood up, setting her computer to the side. “Hey,” she whispered.

Lena squinted in the dim light, then blinked as she glanced around the room trying to clear her vision.

“How are you feeling?”

“ ‘m fine,” she mumbled as she rubbed the heel of her palm over her forehead. “How long was I out?”

“A few hours.”

Lena’s face dropped. “ _Kara,_ ” she whispered, guilt lacing her voice. “You didn’t have to stay that long. I’m so sorry, you made dinner and you were being so sweet and I just messed it up.”

Kara shook her head. “It wasn’t a big deal, really. I used the time to catch up on some stuff for work. I considered waking you up for dinner but you seemed so exhausted earlier that I thought you could use the extra sleep. So I decided to finish an article, but then Alex called so I talked to her for a little bit, and then to Maggie, and then to Alex again—they both say hi, by the way—but, yeah, I wasn’t all that productive, either.”

 Lena laughed softly and looked at her hands. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Kara slipped her fingers into Lena’s. “Come on, you want to come eat now?”

“Sure.” Lena let a smile overtake her lips as Kara tugged her forward.

While they ate, Kara’s words washed over Lena, as the reporter went over her day, catching Lena up on all the small dramas of CatCo. Forks scraped against plates in the small stretches of silence between Kara’s words, gaps just big enough for Lena to fill if she wanted to. But when the spaces wavered on the verge of being too long, Kara swooped back in with another story, her hand edging just a little closer to Lena each time until it settled on her bouncing leg, thumb rubbing gently as she spoke.

“Done?” Kara asked when Lena put her fork down. She’d been pushing food around for the entirety of Kara’s last story, had stopped eating minutes ago.

Lena nodded and thanked Kara when she pulled the CEO’s half-full plate onto her own empty one and deposited them in the dishwasher.

“You feeling any better?”

Lena gave another nod, still too quiet, eyes still drooping too low.

“I’m glad,” Kara said, smiling at Lena with something she hoped was encouragement, as she came back around to the other side of the counter. “So, I’m thinking a good movie night might help a little, too? If you’re up for it.” Her eyes were shiny with the reflection of light and her lips were upturned, brows raised hopefully as she pressed onto the balls of her feet. “There are so many good options we could watch. Alex and I have a whole list of movies that always make bad days better so we could pick one of those, or we could watch something else, or, I mean, we don’t _have_ to watch a movie. If you just want to hang out, that’s cool, too.” She took in a full breath. “So?”

Lena’s heart sunk, and with it, her head dipped, fingers fidgeting in her lap. “I um,” she cleared her throat. “I’d love nothing more, but I still have so much to do for this trial run and I’m—I’m sure you’re busy, too.”

“Oh.”

Lena watched as Kara’s features fell and she wrapped her arms around her middle.

“Yeah, um, okay.” Kara willed a smile back onto her face. “Okay, I’ll see you later then.”

“Wait, Kara—”

“No don’t worry about it, Lena. I’m serious, it’s really okay.”

Kara collected her bag and met Lena’s open arms, reciprocating a hug. Lena clung for a beat longer than normal, held Kara closer than usual on their parting embraces.

“You’re sure you’re okay?”

Lena nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat as Kara’s hand curled around the door knob.

“I love you,” Kara said and pressed a kiss to Lena’s forehead.

“I love you, too.”

“I hope tomorrow’s better for you.” Kara lingered in the threshold.

“Me too.”

As Lena watched Kara’s receding form, her chest tightened and she knew it wouldn’t be.

/

“Alex?” Kara’s voice carried over the phone, strained in the way it always got when Kara tried to keep too much emotion from seeping into her words.

“Yeah, hey. What’s up?” Alex shifted, sitting up on her couch as her half-closed eyes opened. At her side, Maggie raised her head off Alex’s shoulder and looked toward her, hearing Kara’s voice and feeling Alex’s body tense at the tone.

“I think I’m doing something wrong.” Wind whooshed in the background of her words.

Alex furrowed her brow. “Okay? What are you talking about?”

“It has to do with Lena.”

Maggie and Alex shared a look.

“Okay, and?”

“Can I come inside?”

“What?” Alex squinted.

“I’m outside your window.”

Alex rolled her eyes, shaking her head. “Of course you are.” Maggie got up and padded over in sock-clad feet, already set in the blonde’s direction. “Maggie’s getting the window, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks,” Kara said as she climbed inside and began pacing through the living room “Sorry to just come over like this, but I had to talk to someone. It’s just been kind of weird and I’m so worried that something’s wrong and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it so I just thought that I really needed to talk to, like, a person, to you and Maggie really, because you guys are always the best at this stuff and I was thinking—”

“Kara.”

She stopped walking circles and looked up. “—huh?”

“What’s going on?”

“I was getting there,” Kara whined.

Maggie laughed, sliding into a stool at the kitchen counter. “Try getting there a bit faster, Little Danvers?”

Kara huffed and her posture sagged, all energy trickling out of her stance. “Lena’s acting different.”

“What do you mean?”

Alex slipped into the seat beside Maggie and both of them sat facing Kara.

The blonde shrugged, toeing the ground. “I think… I think I’m overwhelming her. I think I’m just too much of—of everything really, and maybe… maybe I want to spend more time with her than she does with me. I don’t know. She’s been off for a few days now.”

“Have you considered that maybe something’s going on with Lena?” Alex proposed, leaning into Maggie’s touch as the other woman ran a hand up and down her back. “I mean she’s not used to having someone around to support her all the time, maybe she’s just going through some stuff and the only way she’s known how to do that is by herself.”

Kara ran her fingers over the top of the couch, watching as the fabric darkened and lightened with each movement. She was silent for a moment before a deep breath quaked through her lungs. She turned around, head still tilted down. “I just love her so much,” Kara’s voice cracked and she twisted her fingers tightly together. “I don’t want to mess anything up.”

“Oh, Kara, you won’t.” Alex’s voice washed over her and then the soft scraping of chair legs on tile permeated the air. “Maybe just give her space for a little while but make sure she knows she can go to you for anything.”

“Okay.” Kara sniffled and a moment later, Alex’s arms were wrapped around her.

Maggie ruffled Kara’s hair as she passed by the pair, going to get the hot chocolate that always accompanied these situations with the Danvers. “Maybe a good movie will make this a little better?”

Kara laughed softly against Alex’s shoulder. “I said the same thing to Lena! You really are a Danvers, Maggie.”

/

Time lost meaning as Lena stood in front of the closed door, moments passing before she finally summoned the energy to move. She postponed her shower until the morning and grabbed her laptop from the counter, dropping it onto her bed and getting under the sheets. She pulled it open and scrolled through the emails that had amassed over the past six hours. The bright screen brought her headache back, throbbing at the base of her skull.

She read through the opening three lines of her first unread email, Jess forwarding her details of a new shipment of uncontaminated blood samples, when her mind went blank, no longer processing the words in front of her and slipping back to think about earlier that day, again, and the mistake she had made and all the delays that would now follow. The tightness in her chest expanded and then, Kara filled her thoughts.

Lena stared in front of her, couldn’t stop the spiraling in her head, the conflicting desire to have Kara at her side right now and the fear that Kara shouldn’t see her like this. Lena pushed her computer away and took her phone into her hand.

The device felt heavy in her palm.

She let her hand drop against the bed, fingers curling around her cell but never moving the mere centimeter required to turn it on.

The lights were still on, phone not plugged in for charging, she hadn’t showered or brushed her teeth, her cheeks were suddenly wet.

She stared up at the ceiling, at its vast whiteness, and never registered closing her eyes until she was waking up; once at 2:33 and then again seven minutes later, and then she was out for two hours before she awoke again, blinking in the dull light and closing her eyes once more, willing herself to go back to sleep just to escape the burning image of blonde hair and disappointed blue eyes _._


	2. Chapter 2

The next day, Kara withheld herself to only texting Lena twice: first in the morning checking up on her, and once more at the end of the day wishing her a good night.

On the second day, Kara shot Lena a message proposing dinner plans. Lena responded a few hours later, citing work in the lab as the reason why she wouldn’t be able to make it, when really, she spent her evening staring blankly at prototypes and editing experimental design plans and skipping meals, making little progress due to Kara’s voice pressing up against Lena’s brain, and her own guilt growing in response.

The following day she pulled out an excuse about board meetings and then, international conference calls for the next.

“Lena, hey!” Kara’s voice carried over the phone, five days after they’d last seen each other. Her words softened as she continued, “Are you okay? I’ve been kind of worried about you. You haven’t been responding to my calls, but Jess said you were busy so I just thought you had really important things going on but it’s been days now.”

Lena swallowed thickly. “Yeah. I’m, um, I’ve been fine, just really busy. You don’t have to worry.”

At that, Kara’s laugh bubbled forward. “ _Lena,_ I’m always gonna worry about you. That’s kind of what the Danvers family does for each other. It’s who we are.”

Lena could practically see Kara’s smile over the phone and that, combined with her bright tone and words, would usually have Lena smiling, too, have her lips curling so widely it almost hurt but instead she felt a hollow pang inside her chest and nausea rising. She pushed away the untouched salad Jess had brought in fifteen minutes earlier.

Lena wasn’t like the Danvers, wasn’t like Kara and once they found out, she was going to be all by herself all over again. They were going to find out she wasn’t worthy, that there were broken pieces inside her that couldn’t be fixed. They were going to find out the truth. It was a matter of time. Lena felt the omnipresent panic lighting up inside her again, because life without Kara didn’t feel worth it.

A lump pressed in her throat as Lena swallowed and tears threatened to fall.

“Lena?”

She blinked.

“Lena, are you okay?”

A hand tangled in dark hair and she sighed, forcing herself to react. “Yeah! Yeah, I’m okay, Kara. Just a little distracted.” She pressed out a breathy laugh and winced at how pitiful she sounded, empty.

 “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

“Mhmm.” Lena responded, too quick, too loud. She dug her fingernails into her own arm, leaving deep red indents

“Anyway,” Kara scrambled to fill the silence.  “I wanted to know if you’re excited for tonight?” Her voice lilted hopefully and Lena’s heart dropped.

“Tonight?”

“Remember? The plans we made last week with Alex and Maggie, I literally didn’t stop talking about it for days. We’re going to have dinner and a quiet movie night or something. We can do anything you want, really, the plan is flexible. I’m just excited to have us all together again.”

“I—I’d love to go,” Lena paused and looked at her trembling fingers and the self-inflicted marks on her skin and at the mistakes visible on the papers strewn across her desk and the chess board on the coffee table reminding her of who she was and where she came from.

Her sentence hung, unfinished, in the static of the phone call and Lena’s cells screamed to have Kara’s arms around her, to feel the warmth against her shivering frame.

“But?” Kara prompted. In the living room of her apartment, the blonde stopped pacing and tucked her face down with a sinking feeling in her chest.

But Lena needed more time, needed to pull herself together and push this away or bury it down; fix this. Fix herself.

Shame burned in Lena’s stomach. She squeezed her own arm harder. “But I um, I have to finish a stack of reports for tomorrow and I-- there’s no way I’ll finish before midnight.”

“Oh.”

Lena could feel Kara deflating.

The CEO grappled for a good reason. “I’m—I’m sorry I really am. But then I— I have another international conference call tomorrow morning so I just, I won’t have time, it was scheduled weeks ago."

The silence between them beat at Lena’s heart like a pickaxe.

Somehow Kara breaking the quiet hurt even more. “Lena,” The blonde couldn’t stop the rising tears from seeping into her quivering voice. “If you don’t want to spend time with me, you can just say it. Because we purposely picked this date because to—tomorrow’s a Sunday and you told me that you never have conference calls on Sundays. You don’t have to keep making up these excuses just to—just to spare me. I can take it, okay? Just be honest with me, Lena.”

“Kara, I didn’t—I… I’m sorry.”

“See I don’t know if I can believe that anymore. You’ve been blowing me off all week and I’ve been _trying._ I’ve been trying so hard and I thought okay, sure, you were busy the first day, the second day, even, that’s _fine._ It’s okay, I understand. But then there was a third day and a fourth day and now we’re on the fifth day and I was _scared,_ Lena. I’m scared. We were practically living at each other’s apartments and now I don’t even see you anymore. I’m just—I’m starting to think that maybe you don’t want this, you don’t want us and if that’s my fault then I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like I carry all the blame on this one, Lena, because you’re the one who shut me out and you’re the one who stopped picking up. So just—just get back to me when you figure out what you want and I’ll—I’ll stop being a burden to you.”

“Kara—” Lena tried, but the only response she received was the blaring static of the dead line. A sob cracked open her chest and Lena’s world crumbled to the sound of silence.

/

“Kara?” Alex called into her sister’s apartment as Maggie closed the door behind them. Their brows furrowed at the quiet.

“Little Danvers?”

Alex glanced at the dinner ingredients lined up along the counter, the printed recipe beside them. Music from National City’s most popular radio station drifted in the background from Kara’s speaker. Alex scanned the apartment, moving to push open the ajar bedroom door.

“Kara, what happened? I thought Lena was going to be here?” she asked, relief filling her chest at the sight of Kara sitting on her bed, blonde hair blocking her face from view, bent over what Alex assumed was a book.

Kara glanced up, shaking her head and Alex realized Kara had been looking at her phone with tears spilling over and dripping down her cheeks. The youngest Danvers wrapped an arm around the legs drawn up toward her chest.

“Oh shit, Kara, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t—I don’t know,” she gasped, cheeks red and puffy. “She—she doesn’t want m—me, I guess. I don’t know what—” she pulled in a ragged breath. “What I did wrong and then I—then I yelled at her and I feel so bad, Alex.”

Her older sister’s arms wrapped around her heaving shoulders and pulled her close.

“I feel s—so bad,” Kara murmured, words watery against the crook of Alex’s neck. The older woman’s dark hair stuck to Kara’s damp cheeks and she hugged tighter.

`“Oh Kara.” Alex ran a hand up and down her sister’s back. “I think you and Lena need to talk, like really talk—face to face.”

“I know,” she whimpered, pulling back to wipe at the tears still pooling over with the back of her hand. “I’m trying, I just—I…”

“I know,” Alex consoled and rocked back and forth with Kara tight in her embrace.

“I’m trying so hard an—and,” she gasped for breath, sputtering between her words. “I feel—I feel like I’m not enough,” Kara admitted, dropping her head onto her sister’s shoulder and her next words were muffled against Alex’s sweater. “I’m not enough for her.”

“Oh, Kara, that’s so not true. Anyone would be lucky to have you. You and Lena are going to get through this. And even if something goes so wrong that you two can’t fix it, I’m always gonna be right here with you, okay?”

Kara nodded, looking down.

“I want to talk to Lena, too, after—”

“No! Alex you can’t!” Kara said, sitting up so quickly her head knocked Alex’s chin. “You’re going to scare her and make it worse. You can’t—”

“Ouch, Kara!” The brunette winced, rubbing her jaw. “Relax, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m not going to go for a shovel talk or anything like that, all right? I promise, sister’s honor.” She gave a mock salute with a grin and Kara felt a small smile take over her own lips. “I just want Lena to know that we worry about her, too. I’m pissed that she’s making you feel this way, but I’m also really concerned. Is that okay?”

Kara rubbed at her eyes and nodded. “I think she’ll actually really appreciate that, it’ll mean a lot. Thank you, Alex.”

“Of course. So, I take it after all this Lena’s not coming over tonight, right?” Alex asked.

Kara hiccupped and sunk back onto her bent legs. “Yeah.”

“Well, we’ll still have a good time, okay? And then, in a little bit or tomorrow or whenever you feel up to it, you’ll call Lena and figure out a time to see each other.”

Kara bit her lip and Alex leaned forward, took her hand. “It’ll be okay, I know it,” she reassured her sister.

“Come on,” Alex said with a tilt of her head toward the door. “Still feel up to hanging out with me and Maggie?”

Kara let Alex pull her off the bed. “Always.”

When they entered the kitchen, Maggie turned around and shared a quick look with Alex who stood with an arm wrapped around her sister’s shoulder.

“Hi, Maggie,” Kara greeted, words flat and void of their usual enthusiasm as she stepped closer.

“Hey, kid.” Maggie pressed up on her toes to pull Kara into a proper hug. She squeezed a little longer than usual, rubbing her hand over the blonde’s shoulder blade. “Takeout’s going to be here in twenty minutes, I ordered all your favorites.”

“You did?” Kara asked as she leaned back, eyes wide and voice earnest.

Maggie laughed. “I did.” She tilted her head, gaze sympathetic as she looked at Kara. “I didn’t think you’d really be in the mood to cook. We can save the recipe for another time.”

“Thank you,” Kara breathed out and pulled Maggie into another hug. It held more weight than the simple favor bore.

“We’ve got you, Little Danvers,” Maggie promised and Alex came around with a hand on Maggie’s back, leaning forward to ruffle Kara’s hair.

“Love you, sis.”

Kara sniffled again. “Love you both.”

/

Lena was running a mental cost-benefit analysis, weighing the energy expenditure it would take to get up versus having a bottle of scotch in her hand, when a tapping resonated from the window at her balcony. She tilted her head, still bent into the palm of her hand.

Through the glass, Lena made out Kara’s frame pressed up on her toes, one arm draped across her stomach and curled around the other, just above her elbow. She rocked back onto her heels, finally catching Lena’s eyes. The younger woman nodded, at last, head feeling both heavy and light.

Lena made no move to stand, so Kara reach for the door and, finding it unlocked, cracked it open and slipped inside.

“Hey,” Kara whispered, easing the door closed behind her.

Lena lifted her head from her hands but all the words got stuck in her throat, the thought of talking so seemingly monumental she doubted she could manage.

“I, um, I know you said you were working late, but I didn’t think you’d still be here.” Kara swayed on her feet with fidgeting fingers, but she kept her eyes trained softly on Lena.

The CEO’s eyes flickered up toward the clock, where it depicted the time as just past two in the morning. She hadn’t thought she’d still be at L-Corp now, either. “So, why’d you come?” she asked softly, voice void of any bite. “How’d you know I’d be here now?”

Kara slid a hand over her own chest, fingertips splaying across her left collarbone. “Heartbeat.” She looked down, shaking her head. “I’d been listening to it and you never—it didn’t really slow down after we, um, after we talked, and I know I should have waited until morning and I was going to call you then, at a decent hour, but I just couldn’t wait, not when you were still here and I’d—I’d said all those things.”

Lena stretched her arm and brushed the hem of Kara’s cotton gray shirt with her thumb. “You’re wearing pajamas.”

Kara laughed softly. “Yeah.” When she looked up, a smile flickered across Lena’s lips. “I was lying in bed at first thinking about it all and I just had to get here as soon as I could.”

“Yeah, those Christmas pajama pants definitely seem more aerodynamic than the super suit.”

Kara shrugged and leaned back against Lena’s desk. She tilted her head to the side, gazing at Lena, loose blonde waves spilling over her shoulder, alit by the city light filtering through the window. “The fleece really helps with the turns,” she said solemnly, nose scrunching up, and despite every thud of uncertainty and worry in her chest, Lena couldn’t stop the smile that spread across her lips, a little more permanent this time.

“Oh, is that so?”

Kara nodded. “Mhmm. It’s backed by science.”

Their composure broke in the same moment, laughs mingled together and Lena slid back in her chair.

“I’m sorry,” Kara said, breaking the silence that’d followed. She dropped her gaze down to her hands in her lap and Lena let her eyes settle there, too, where Kara’s fingers linked and twisted. “I shouldn’t have said the things I said earlier. I was just hurt and frustrated and I lashed out on you when I should have tried harder to make sure you were okay. I—”

“Kara, it’s my fault completely, and I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, I’d understand if you couldn’t forgive me for the way I’ve been acting. I should—I’m—” she closed her eyes and swallowed hard, tears sprung forward and a breath wrenched its way through her chest. She dropped her head into her hands, shoulders shuddering.

Her heartbeat pounded in her ears, her ragged breath so loud it made nausea slosh inside her as a headache pulsated at her temples.

Then, silence and stillness, with a hand stroking across her back and the other easing her up, out of the chair and into two warm arms.

She gasped, a hot puff of air, against Kara’s collarbone. Tears tracked down her cheek and onto the blonde’s skin.

Kara’s arms curled Lena closer and a hand worked its way up into Lena’s hair, fingers drawing circles at the base of her skull beneath her ponytail. “Oh, Lena, babe, what’s going on with you? You can tell me anything. I forgive you, okay? For anything you think you need forgiven. Just tell me what’s wrong, let me help you.”

Lena sniffled and tightened her grip, fighting the instinct to pull away and close up. Instead, she took a deep breath. “I can’t lose you, Kara.”

“And you won’t.” Kara smoothed Lena’s hair and pressed a kiss against her forehead. “I’m right here with you, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m sorry,” Lena murmured, words muffled by Kara’s shirt.

“You don’t have to be sorry.” Kara shook her head, dropped the hand in Lena’s hair down to rub her back. “You seem tired, why don’t you let me take you home? I know you don’t really have that video conference in the morning.”

A sob caught in Lena’s throat and her cheeks burned.

“Oh, Lena, I don’t mean it like that. I’m not mad—I mean, sure, I was frustrated at first and I’m still hurt, but clearly you’re dealing with something and I just want to be here for you.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“I’m never going to agree to that,” Kara whispered, breath warm against Lena’s hair. “Come home and get some rest? We don’t have to talk yet or anything, I just want you to get rest.”

Lena’s fingers twisted into the fabric of Kara’s shirt. She took a deep breath. “Okay.”

“My place or yours?”

“Yours?”

Kara smiled softly. “You’ve got it.”

/

“We’re receiving reports that a fire has broken out in National City’s industrial district. The flames began at a warehouse, where employees on the night shift were working. Firefighters are on the scene trying tirelessly to control the fire that seems to be spreading as it approaches a neighboring residential area.”

Kara and Lena’s eyes flickered toward the TV in sync as they paused in the middle of slipping off their shoes.

“Go,” Lena whispered, tilted her head toward the window.

“But—”

Lena shook her head. “They need you.”

“But you—”

“I’d never forgive myself if others suffered because I prevented you from leaving.”

Kara bit her lip, eyes wide as they drifted between Lena and the window then back again. She let her hand fall and wrapped it around Lena’s, squeezing her cold fingers. “Twenty minutes tops and I’ll be back. Just get comfortable and don’t feel like you have to stay up, okay?”

Lena nodded and their hands linked, arms stretching as Kara made her way to the window until their contact broke, changed into her suit and took off into the night.

/

She made it back with 47 seconds to spare, with a smudge of soot across her cheek, and stumbled through the window pulling off her boots as she flew and slipping back into the pajamas she’d discarded in her haste to leave.

“Lena?” she called out and wiped at her cheek with a wet cloth in the kitchen before tossing it on the counter to deal with in the morning. “I’m back.”

Kara pushed open the bedroom door, saw Lena sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down.

“Lena,” she said again and drew Lena’s gaze upward.

“You okay?” Kara walked closer. Lena was still dressed in her pantsuit from work and her makeup was still on and her hair was still up.

“Yeah,” Lena said and seemed to suddenly shift into action, turning toward Kara and getting up. “Yeah, sorry, I just got distracted.”

The CEO’s cheeks tinted pink.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about.” Kara dropped onto the bed, sitting where Lena had just moments prior. “Want to go wash your face and I’ll grab your pajamas?”

Lena nodded and disappeared into the bathroom.

A few minutes passed before she slipped into bed, hesitating as she hugged edge, keeping foreign space between herself and Kara. The blonde finished typing a message on her phone before putting it onto her nightstand and flipping onto her other side to face Lena. “Sorry, Alex was just checking in after the Supergirl stuff, I kind of got in and got out of there faster than I normally do.”

Lena curled her fingers together, agonizing over which words to say or if she should stay quiet and nod instead of struggling to find the right things and wondering if she could even pull together the energy to make a coherent sentence at this point, and then knowing that this wasn’t right and words shouldn’t be this hard to put together and that her chest was tightening and that she shouldn’t be here and—

“Anyway, hey it’s really late and I’m sure you’re exhausted.” Kara reached over and turned off the lights. She flopped onto her pillow, lying on her side and tucking her hands beneath her head as she looked at Lena. “How are you feeling?”

Kara’s honeyed voice breached Lena’s ruminations and the CEO shrugged. “I’m okay.” She shivered, goosebumps raising on her skin.

“Cold?”

Lena nodded and Kara held out her arm, the blankets lifting with her, as she urged her girlfriend to slide closer. She wavered for a moment before slipping over. As soon as she was there, Kara let the sheets fall again and her arms came to wrap around Lena, pull her close against her chest. In a moment, Lena was engulfed in warmth and her head tilted forward into Kara’s collarbone.

She didn’t think she deserved this and yet, it was futile to try to stop the calm that radiated through her body, tension seeping out of her muscles, chest loosening just a bit, like relaxing was an automatic response to being so close to Kara. Lena supposed that maybe it was.

“Honestly,” Lena exhaled and her breath was warm against Kara’s skin. It was easier to talk in the dark, pressed against her girlfriend and steadied by the repetitive rise and fall of her chest. “I feel worn out, and I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time and I’m not worth any of this trouble and it’s like everything I do just makes things worse and it all feels so pointless. I just wish, I wish I—” she cutoff and felt the silence between them like ice cold water. “Nevermind, sorry, I shouldn’t have, I--”

“No, Lena.” Kara tilted her head so she could see Lena’s eyes in the moonlight reflecting through the window. “I want you to know that you can tell me anything and you don’t have to feel guilty about it. I love all of you—the light stuff and the dark stuff and everything in between. Keep going, it’s okay.”

Lena shook her head. “It’s all right. I’m pretty tired and I’m sure you are, too.” She untangled herself from Kara’s arms and tried not to feel the loss of warmth and security as she put a few inches between them. “I think I’m just going to go to sleep.”

She turned onto her side so her back was to Kara.

The blonde swallowed the lump in her throat. “Goodnight, Lena,” she whispered.

“Goodnight, Kara.”

She turned onto her side, too, looking out the window at the rare twinkling lights smattered across apartment buildings. Her thoughts drifted to just two weeks earlier, when Lena hadn’t been acting so differently like she was now. When Kara thought they were close enough to share everything with each other. She started thinking of all the ways she could help Lena feel better, without even knowing what was wrong. Her mind turned to pondering the conversation they’d need to have in the morning. She should probably make pancakes for it. Maybe she’d add chocolate chips. She definitely would. Or, actually, maybe she’d use blueberries instead because Lena always insisted on being so healthy all the time. She would probably like that better.

She paused to focus on Lena’s heartbeat, to see if she’d fallen asleep yet, but the same slightly elevated pattern still sounded. Kara bit her lip and wished she could hug Lena, and she wished she could call Alex, and she wished Eliza were visiting soon because Lena would probably really like her.

“Kara?”

“Yeah?” The blonde held her breath.

Lena swallowed hard and curled her fingers around her necklace—a Christmas gift from Kara the year before. “Thank you for coming for me.”

“Of course,” Kara promised and shifted to glance at Lena, eyes watering, but the other woman was still lying on her side and all Kara could see was a mass of soft dark hair. She turned back around and willed herself to sleep.

Despite the exhaustion that dwelled in Lena’s bones, she laid awake, eyes closed and heart beating fast as her mind twisted her thoughts in circles. She squeezed her eyes shut harder, focused on the feeling of the sheets pressed against her skin and the soft breathing of Kara falling into sleep. She went through the list of things she needed to finish tomorrow and mentally tried to draft emails that needed to be sent, but her thoughts slipped away like water in her palms and in the end, the distractions only disintegrated into more worry and disappointment swelling in her chest and growing, threatening to drown her.

A whimper escaped her lips and Kara shifted in her sleep. Before she could stop herself, Lena slid back over with tears trickling down her cheeks and splattering onto the sheet. She shifted Kara’s limp arm and tucked herself beneath it, turning into Kara and biting the inside of her cheek to stop any noise from escaping.

A minute upturn curled the edges of Kara’s lips and she pulled Lena closer, thumb soothing subconsciously until both their features were smoothed out and sleep had them in its grasps.

/

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Kara’s eyes shot open. A warm weight convulsed at her side, flailing limbs colliding with her body.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Watery murmured words penetrated the early morning with a sharp gasp, a struggle to pull air into lungs.

The blonde sat up. “Lena.” She rubbed the woman’s shoulder. “You’re having a nightmare, wake up.”

Lena bolted up, the sheets dropping into her lap as she bent over, head in her hands, elbows on her knees, and tried to reign in the breaths tearing through her chest.

“Hey.” Kara leaned forward on her knees, ran a hand down Lena’s back. “Hey it’s okay, I’m right here.”

Lena pulled in a series of shuttering inhales and rubbed a hand across her hairline, now damp with sweat. After another deep breath, she straightened up.

“You’re okay,” Lena murmured, gaze distant as she ran a hand over Kara’s side, her arm, her leg.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. I’m safe and you’re safe and everything is gonna be all right.” Kara wrapped Lena’s fingers in her own, pressed a kiss to the back of her hand. “It’s okay, it wasn’t real. Do you want to talk about it?”

Lena slackened into Kara’s side. “No, just—just don’t leave me, please please don’t leave me.”

Kara squeezed Lena’s fingers where they were still intertwined. “I’m never going to leave you, Lena. You mean the world to me and I’m not going anywhere. Do you believe me?”

“I want to.” Lena turned her head into the crook of the blonde’s neck.

Kara pressed a kiss into Lena’s hair. “Good, then that’s more than enough. We’re going to get through this, okay?”

Lena squeezed Kara’s fingers back and found herself exhaling, letting her eyes close again. “Okay.”


	3. Chapter 3

Lena crinkled another paper in her fingers and slammed her palm against her desk. A pen jumped at the force and a tingling sensation pricked across her hand. Heat had her cheeks flushing as the unpleasant, sticky warmth radiated through her body. A huff burned the back of her throat as she tossed the paper onto a mountain of others accumulating in the trash beneath her desk.

“God, what the hell!” She shoved a hand in her hair, pulled back into a bun. 

She hit the stack of papers on her desk again and squeezed her fist tight, so her nails dug into her skin. A sob bubbled in her chest and she swallowed it down as her throat tightened and she screwed her eyes shut at the moisture congregating at her waterline.

With a strangled cry she let the pen in hand slip from her fingers, hoping it hit the chessboard across the room. Her thundering heart took small reprieve in the subsequent clatter of marble against the tile floor.

“Hey, easy there.”

Lena’s lips parted to tell off whoever had barged unannounced into her office before she even raised her head, but when Lena looked up and saw Alex, the words died on her tongue.

“What’s going on?” Alex’s voice was smooth, soothing over Lena’s anger at her sudden presence. The frustration spiraled inward instead and Lena tried to reign herself in, but once she started talking her vexation sputtered out on watery, hot breath.

“I’ve been working on this equation for hours and every time I use the derivative function that the algorithm created the product changes and then it doesn’t match the integration check and I—” she inhaled sharply, gaze shifted back to her computer and down at the paper in front of her. “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m just so stupid, this is easy stuff and it’s important. It should—I should have done it yesterday but I couldn’t get it finished and now, it’s never going to be ready in time for our second trial and—and it’s so simple. It’s so simple I just _can’t_ do it and—and—”

“Lena—”

“I’m sorry!” She said, voice high and sharp. Her fingers scraped beneath her eyes at the path of frustrated tears on her cheeks. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have broken down like that I’m sorry, this is so unprofessional. I’m—”

“Lena, you don’t have to be professional around me, okay?” Alex tilted her head and offered a small smile. She reached out and squeezed Lena’s hand, watching as Lena’s eyes tracked the movement. “You’re family.”

Lena sniffled. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to keep apologizing,” Alex said. She released Lena’s hand and rubbed her shoulder.

“I’m—”

“Lena, don’t finish that.”

“Sorry.”

Alex sighed, but her smile loosened some of the tightness in Lena’s chest, sent some of the heat receding from her cheeks. Alex tilted her head toward the computer. “You want me to take a look real quick? Then, you and I are going to grab something to eat.”

“Alex, I can’t. I have too much to do.”

“You need to take care of yourself, Lena. Come on, let me see if I can help and then we’ll eat, all right? The whole trip can take thirty minutes tops, if you want it to. Deal?”

Lena’s hands climbed up to her cheeks and she looked down. “Okay.”

Seven minutes later, Alex’s thumb pulled away from her lip in concentration, as the other pressed close on the final parentheses and hit enter on the calculator.

“Got it,” Alex said, grinning as she looked up.

“You… you got it that quickly?” Lena asked, embarrassment and inadequacy flared in her stomach.

Alex nodded. “The derivative function had a copy error and the integral’s limits were incorrect, but it all matches now.”

“Thank you.” Lena nodded, slow, as her stomach sunk. “How did I not see that? I’ve been working on it for—for hours. I should know these things.” Her shoulders raised and her voice quivered and cracked and her eyes darted from the paper up to the Danvers sister in front of her “I—I don’t think I’m fit for this project, Alex. I don’t think I should be doing this. I can’t—I can’t do this.” She dropped her head into her hands.

“Whoa, hey no, that’s not true.” Alex ran a hand over Lena’s bent back, crouched so she was eyelevel with the woman. “You’re just tired. Look at you, Luthor. You need to take a break.”

Lena flinched and pulled away. “I can’t just take a break! People are relying on me. How am I supposed to take a break if I couldn’t even figure this out?”

“Lena, it’s not that big of a deal.”

The younger woman shook her head.

Alex stood up, running a hand through her hair. “Thirty minutes. That’s all I’m asking. Just so you can breathe a little. I promise, you’ll feel better once you get out of here.”

“I don’t have time.”

Alex huffed. “When was the last time you ate? Or even got an actual, good full night of sleep?”

Lena shook her head. Her gaze was vacant, eyes red-rimmed against pale cheeks from lack of sleep and insurmountable stress. “It doesn’t matter. None of that matters unless I can fix this and—and make it better. I don’t matter unless I can do this, Alex. My worth is a sum of what I’m capable of. And right—right now I’m not doing well.”

Alex recoiled. “Goddammit, Lena, can’t you see that people care about you? And I’m not just talking about Kara. You have me, too, and you have Maggie and J’onn and Winn and James. Hell, my mom hasn’t even met you yet but she already loves you. I don’t want to hear any of Lillian’s bullshit when you talk.” Alex watched as Lena’s shoulders tightened toward her ears as she flinched back. “I’m sorry.” The agent sighed, softening her voice. “It’s just not fair to you. You’re so much more than any work you do here or anywhere. It’s not that simple.”

Lena swallowed hard against the lump in her throat, shaking her head, the force pulling her hair loose. “I have work to do, Alex. I need you to leave. I can’t be wasting anymore time.”

“Wasting time? Lena—”

“This conversation is over. I have a meeting to attend,” she snapped and stood up, grabbing the first folder she could reach and stalking out of the room.

She slipped into the closest meeting room down the hall and pressed her back against the door, squeezing her arm so her nails scratched against her skin. She held her breath to contain the sob quaking inside her and when she finally heard Alex’s footsteps retreating, Lena returned to her office.

She locked the door and groped for a bottle of alcohol through tears blurring her vision. Her legs wobbled and she crumbled to the floor, tilting her head back as she gulped down the liquid and it scorched her throat raw.

/

“Kara, I screwed up.”

Kara’s eyes widened as she packed up her things from work, phone balanced between her shoulder and ear. “With Lena?”

“Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on with her Kar, but it’s bad. I’ve never seen her like this.”

“I know.” Kara twisted the strap of her bag as she walked toward the elevator. “What happened?”

“You want to come over and we’ll talk? Maggie and I are just ordering in takeout tonight.”

Kara nodded. “Yeah, okay. I’ll come.”

“All right. I’ve just got to stop by the DEO and finish something up before I head home. I’ll see you there in about an hour?”

“Okay.”

“I love you, Kar.”

“Love you, too, Alex.”

/

Lena pulled in a deep breath an hour and a half later, staring across the room and out the window, tracking the setting sun as its light bled out athwart the sky and it sunk beneath the city line. She squeezed her eyes closed, tried to force her muscles to move.

She had to be better, for Kara.

Her heels scraped against the floor as she pulled her feet beneath her and teetered, arm shooting out to grab the couch for stability as she picked herself up. A surge of nausea rolled through her as alcohol sloshed in an empty stomach. She staggered toward her desk, squinting in the light as she grabbed her phone.

Her eyes closed as the dial tone rang in her ear and sharpened the pounding in her head.

/

Alex finished telling Kara about her experience with Lena and flopped onto the couch between her sister and Maggie, curling her legs beneath her.

Kara pushed around the food on her plate before sighing and settling it on the coffee table, barely touched.

Alex was reaching over to put an arm around her shoulder when her phone vibrated in her pocket and the sound filled the heavy air. She pulled it out, glancing at the screen.

“It’s Lena,” she gave as explanation as she untangled herself from the couch.

The brunette left the apartment door cracked open as she stepped out into the hall. “Hey, Luthor?”

Lena slumped against the balcony window of her office, the temple of her head pressing against the cool glass. “Alex, I’m calling to apologize. The way I acted earlier was wrong and unfair. You were just trying to help and I made everything worse. I’m sorry, Alex, I really messed up.”

“Oh, Lena, listen—”

“And I hope you can forgive me. I’m sorry.”

Alex bit her lip and dropped her gaze toward the floor. Her sock clad feet toed the carpeted hall. “Lena, it’s okay, all right? We’re just so worried about you—God, Lena, we all just want what’s best for you, we just want to know what we can do to help.”

A sniffle carried over with the white noise of the call and Lena squeezed her eyes closed. When she opened them her vision was fuzzy, spotted with gray dots. She didn’t feel deserving of their kindness, not when she kept pushing them away. “Thank you,” she managed, voice strained and shaking.

“Of course.” Alex leaned back into the wall and the door frame pressed against her spine. “I’m with Kara and Maggie right now, we’re just eating takeout and spending the night in. You’re welcome to come hang out with us, if you’d like?”

Lena forced air into her lungs. “I—I don’t think that’s… I think I shouldn’t, but could I—could I please talk to Kara?”

“Yeah, not a problem,” Alex said as she pushed open the apartment door and stepped back inside, eyes drifting toward the couch. Maggie was talking softly to Kara, rubbing her thumb over the younger girl’s knee. Alex smiled. “And, if you change your mind don’t hesitate to come over. Got it, Luthor?”

“Yes, thank you, Alex,” Lena said, staring out at the dark night sky and the flickering of lights as they sparkled on and off in buildings composing the cityscape.

“It’s Lena,” Alex whispered, passing the phone to Kara. “She wants to talk to you.”

The sisters switched spots and Alex molded herself against Maggie’s side, head falling on the detective’s shoulder. She murmured contently as Maggie slipped her fingers into Alex’s hair, carding through it.

“I’m sorry,” Lena gasped out before Kara even made it to the door. “I’m sorry for—for all of this. Kara, I’m sorry.”

Kara’s heart clenched and the _thud, thud, thud_ rattled her ribs. “It’s okay, Lena. You’re gonna be okay, I believe it, all right? I know it.”

Lena’s breath stuttered. She swayed on her feet. “I’m really tired, Kara.”

“I know.” Kara’s hand twitched, wanting to hug Lena close or smooth her hair. “I can hear it in your voice. You should get some rest.”

She dropped her head into her trembling hands. “I don’t want to be alone.”

“Do you want me to come over?”

Lena shook her head and swallowed a whimper. “Not right now.” Not when she smelled of alcohol. Not when tear tracks were plastered to her skin and her cheeks were sticky with the residual dampness. Not when every word was like a stab in her heart, every breath a fight.

“Okay,” Kara said simply, pacing slowly, rhythmically through the hallway. “Well, do you want me to stay on the line with you for a little while? I can talk with you for as long as you want—until you fall asleep, even.”

“You would do that?”

“Yes.”

“I’d really like that.”

“Good.”

Lena wiped at her eyes, pressing the heel of her palms against her cheekbones. “I’m going to grab my stuff and then head home, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Kara?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m trying really hard. I’m trying so hard to… to be better.”

“I know, and you’re doing great.”

“Kara, can I come to game night on Friday?”

Kara’s heart fluttered. “Yeah, always. You don’t have to ask. But there’s no pressure either, if you don’t feel up to it I don’t want you to feel guilty. I just want you to know that you can talk to me about whatever’s going on, you don’t have to close people out.”

“Thank you. I have all my stuff, I’m going to go out to my driver’s car now. Will you keep talking to me?”

“What do you want to hear first? I spoke with Cat earlier so I can fill you in on her life in DC right now, or I can tell you about how a new DEO recruit made a mistake that almost put the whole building into a pseudo-lockdown.”

“Tell me about Cat.” Lena stepped into the elevator and rode it to the first floor, getting out and slipping into her driver’s car. With Kara’s words washing over her, Lena focused on the coolness of the door handle beneath her fingers; the rattle, of grates in the street as the car rolled over them, that traveled through the wheels to the vehicle’s fame and settled with a vibration to her ribs; the hazy green of traffic lights as they whizzed past them on slick, emptying streets to Lena’s apartment; the distant glimmer of stars in the night sky; the tug of her eyelids, begging her to sleep; the hollowness in her stomach and the pressure around her temples.

She was almost reluctant to move when the car rolled to a stop.

She bid her driver goodnight and made the trip up to her apartment on leaden legs, with Kara’s soft voice in her ear the whole time.

Lena kicked off her shoes and remained upright just long enough to undress and pull one of Kara’s oversized sleepshirts over her head before collapsing onto her bed, melting under the weight of the sheets and Kara’s steady words.

“Kara?” Lena interrupted for the first time that night. Her eyes drooped and she snuggled into her pillow, setting the phone beside her head, close enough that she could still hear her girlfriend. Then she slipped a hand under her pillow, clutching at the silky fabric as it sifted between her fingers.

“Yeah, babe?”

“I love you more than anything or anyone in the universe. Please don’t forget that.”

“I won’t, Lena. I love you, too, so _so_ much. Sleep tight.”

“Will you keep talking, just a little longer? Until I’m asleep?”

Kara pulled her knee up to her chest on the bar stool in Alex and Maggie’s kitchen, where she’d settled once Lena started making her way home. “Of course.”

“Thank you.”

“Mhmm,” Kara murmured and Lena’s eyes gave in to the heaviness as Kara’s voice enveloped her, settled warm in the crevices of Lena’s consciousness.

/

Two days later, Lena stood outside Kara’s apartment. The drizzly weather of the past week had shifted into a bright sunlight that receded beneath the sky on Lena’s ride over, dropping the temperatures and having Lena wrap her arms around her abdomen.

With her superhearing and x-ray vision, Kara must have known Lena was there, lingering outside. But still, the blonde waited, separated by the door, as Lena took a deep breath and straightened her cable knit sweater, running her hand over the fabric. 

She let herself in with the key Kara had gifted her months ago, before they’d said they were anything more than best friends.

“Lena!” Kara smiled, loitering a step away with her hands twisted together and her posture rolling up onto the tips of her feet.

“Hi, Kara,” Lena said, smiling into the kiss she pressed against Kara’s cheek.

“It’s good to see you,” Kara whispered into Lena’s hair as she pulled the woman into a hug.

“You too,” Lena replied, closing her eyes as she dipped her head and it settled in the crook of Kara’s neck. Kara’s warmth enveloped her, and the faint smell of strawberry shampoo permeated the surrounding air.

Lena held on, feeling the steadiness of Kara’s shoulder blade beneath her fingers, the complementary rise and fall of her chest as Kara squeezed her tighter, let both of their touches linger.

Even as they pulled apart, their fingers entwined. Stayed clasped together as Maggie and Alex made their way over.

“Hey, Lena,” Alex said, pulling her in for a quick hug and then Maggie was there too, squeezing her shoulder.

Once the greetings finished and the small talk fizzled out, they settled in the living room with boxes of pizza and games scattered across the coffee table.

By the end of their first round of Clue, Lena was tucked into Kara’s side, lulled by the brush of a thumb where the blonde’s hand rested on her thigh.

“How’s work going?” Lena asked, looking up at Kara and feeling a pang of regret that they’d missed having a normal conversation in days.

“Good, actually,” Kara said, smile widening. “I have this huge meeting tomorrow that Snapper’s been talking about _forever.”_

“What’s it about?”

Lena shifted up, giving Kara her full attention.

“Some new story, I’m not sure about what exactly, but it has something to do with aliens. And yesterday I accidentally overheard that he’s announcing who’s on the assignment tomorrow.”

“Was this “accident” a result of superhearing?” Lena asked, a smirk playing across her lips.

Kara balked with an exaggerated gasp. “No!”

Lena quirked her brow.

“Okay, yes a little bit, but Lena I was curious! And I really want the article.”

She flashed some puppy dog eyes and Lena laughed, ducking her head into Kara’s shoulder.

“Hey!” Maggie called out, tossing a pillow at them.  

They looked over to where Maggie and Alex were leaning over the gameboard. The oldest Danvers sister rolled her eyes but a smile snuck across her face anyway. “You two are holding up the game, we’ve said your name like three times, Kara.”

Kara tossed the pillow back, aiming at Alex’s face, and rolled the dice one-handed so she could keep Lena’s fingers entwined with her own.

/

“Lena!” Kara pushed the front door closed behind her, a grin lighting up her face.

“Hmm?” Lena hummed from the couch. A moment later a head popped up over the back of the seat as she turned to face Kara.

“Guess who called while I was on the phone?”

Lena shrugged and the blanket around her shoulders slipped off, piling into her lap.

“Well, when J’onn was telling me about this new problem I have to deal with tomorrow because apparently it’s a ‘long-term thing’, I got another call. So, when I finished with him, I went to see who it was and call back, and it was Jess! She said she was calling me, because she couldn’t reach you—which I thought was kind of weird, because you never leave your phone anywhere except when you’re in the lab, but anyway, Jess has been trying to contact you to tell you, that when the results of the third trial, of the biomarker project you’ve been working one were published, she started hearing nonstop from pretty much everyone today—the press, pharmaceutical companies, science and tech organizations—” Kara paused to take a deep breath before she resumed her pacing in front of the couch, hands gesticulating so quickly Lena felt a headache starting behind her eyes at trying to follow the movements. “—and a bunch of people from all these places were talking with the National Science Board, and they want to honor you at a banquet this year!”

The couch dipped as Kara bounced onto it beside Lena, watching her with an expectant grin and Lena was trying to be grateful, trying to pull a smile across her face but she could only think about all the work that went into preparing for a banquet, all the photo-ops she would have to do, the interviews with the press, the polite expressions she’d have to plaster on her face, the hours of small talk, the speech she’d have to give, the looming threat of Lillian or Lex or—

“Lena, that’s great!” Alex said and Maggie smiled, too, leaning over and patting her knee. “Congrats, Little Luthor!”

Lena tried to smile but her chest was closing in, her throat tight, her skin hot. She shoved the blanket off her lap, feeling like a stranger in her body, in the apartment that’d once felt more like a home than any other place in the world.

Her knees knocked as she pushed off the couch.

“Lena, what’s wrong?” Kara asked, reaching out for her girlfriend. “This is a good thing, you should be excited!”

Lena went rigid. Her vision a thump of black as she squeezed her eyes closed for a moment. She stood, facing the fireplace with her heart hammering in her chest. The heat in her skin morphed to burning of her cheeks, a scorch of shame and guilt in her chest. “I know,” she started and turned back to Kara, voice raising with each word. “I know I should be excited but I’m not and—and hearing you say it doesn’t help me feel any better when I know something’s wrong with me! So, stop. Just stop!”

With her last cry, the room collapsed into silence.

Maggie looked at Alex, and Kara gaped at Lena. The mere feet between them might as well have been acres of land and eons of time.

Lena raised her dipped head and her misty green caught Kara’s watery blue.

“I’m sorry,” Lena gasped. Her heart plunged in her chest, and her icy fingers juxtaposed the flame in her cheeks. “I should go.”

She was barely a shadow as she twisted around the furniture, moving on shaky legs, hands struggling on the doorknob before she yanked it open and fled into the hall.

Her heart bashed against her ribcage as she rushed into the elevator and battered the button for the ground floor with her finger. A sob splintered her frail resolve.

“Lena, wait!”

Kara’s body snapped into action as she scrambled off the couch, calling as the elevator doors thumped shut.

Kara returned to the apartment, bottom lip quivering. She raised her eyes to meet Maggie and Alex’s gaze. “She um—she was gone. I don’t—I don’t know what happened.” Kara’s shoulders rose and fell, watery gaze studying the table leg by Alex’s feet. “I thought we were doing so well and then…”

She cast a glance back at the door.

“Kara—”

The blonde shook her head and Alex stopped talking, sweeping Kara into a hug instead.

Kara dropped her head onto Alex’s shoulder and let the tears fall.

/

Lena didn’t come into work the next morning, and Kara’s insides were a coil of worry, tightening when Jess called again, for the third time, asking if she’d heard from Lena. Then, even more, when she listened for Lena’s heartbeat at her apartment and came back with nothing.

Kara left messages and sent texts, squirming in her seat at CatCo, stuck in the meeting with Snapper’s seat by the door guarding the exit and preventing her from sneaking away and giving into the worry churning in her stomach.

Finally, the meeting was called to an end and Kara bolted to the door, so out of focus she didn’t even know who he’d given the assignment to.

“Hey, ponytail, not so fast,” Snapper said blocking the exit once again and tilting his head to the side. She followed him, pen tapping in her hand.

Once they were clear of the stream of employees filtering out of the room, he regarded her. “As much as I dislike your general cheery and naïve demeanor in this office, there’s no denying your reporting has improved. Drastically. So, I’m putting you on the assignment tonight.”

Kara couldn’t suppress the grin that spread across her face. “Really?!” After trudging through the past few weeks feeling like she was failing her job, failing the DEO, failing _Lena_ , the praise billowed up inside her.

“I can take this away just as quickly as it came. Don’t screw it up, Danvers. I’ll forward you the details of the story. I need you poking around the docks for an hour or two getting whatever _relevant_ information you can. Try to blend in, don’t attract any attention. Then I have an interview scheduled at eight tonight. Got all that? I don’t want any mistakes.”

She nodded, adjusting her glasses to hide the smile forming again. Despite everything, she’d spent months working for a break like this.

“Good. I need the report by six tomorrow evening.” Snapper said before turning out of the room and disappearing around the hall.

Forty-five minutes later found Kara approaching the docks, reading through the final attachment Snapper had sent about the resurgence of an alien drug. She closed the file and sent Alex a text about what had happened, complete with a series of exclamation points about Snapper picking her, before muting her phone and burying it in her pocket.

/

The time on her watch was pushing nine when she finally put enough distance between herself and the dock to let out a celebratory whoop, beaming as she walked through the grimy, wet sidewalk. Her journal was full of notes, the interview sat on a recorder in her pocket. She tugged out of her phone to text Alex the good news.

A mass of notification assailed her screen. Seven missed calls between Maggie and Alex. Another thirteen texts.

Kara read the most recent one, thirty-four minutes ago.

 **Alex 8:23:**  
We’re with Lena now. She’s hurt. Come quick

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise, we're up to chapter 3/4 because I changed my mind and couldn't fit everything into this one :)


	4. Chapter 4

“Hey! You on your way to dinner?” Alex smiled as she stepped out of the DEO, wrestling on her jacket as a gust of wind funneled down the sidewalk. Her shift had just finished at seven and she was heading over to meet Maggie, the restaurant only five blocks away.

Alex’s brows furrowed at the lack of response from the other side of the line. The phone hummed amongst the honking of horns and the chatter of passing conversations. She wondered briefly if Maggie had called her on accident. National City citizens streamed past her on the sidewalk and she stepped out of their way. “Maggie? You there?”  

There was a rustle, the sound of Maggie’s police jacket rubbing against the phone and Alex could picture it cradled between her shoulder and ear as the subsequent buzz of her car turning on carried over the phone. “Hey, yeah I’m here, sorry, Alex. I heard something about Lena. I don’t think I’m going to make dinner.”

“Is she okay?” Alex paused, moving away from the flow of foot traffic and pressing a hand over her other ear to hear Maggie better.

“I don’t know, to be honest. I’m not with her yet.”

“What happened? Where is she?”

“Some Irish dive bar on 9th. I was getting into my squad car when I heard something about dispatching a unit to a bar fight there, I wasn’t really listening until they said it was high-profile, something about a Luthor, so I called my Lieutenant and he confirmed she was involved but didn’t have any other details, so I’m on my way over now. I want to make sure everything is fair and make sure she’s okay. I’m worried about her, Alex.” Maggie took a long breath. “You want to come? She might need a ride home, I don’t really know the situation yet.”

“Yeah, send me the address?” Alex asked, already climbing the steps of the DEO to get her car and make the trip.

/

Maggie got out of her car, standing in the hazy azure of dusk. She pocketed her phone and glanced up at the crunch of gravel.

Alex pulled into the spot beside her, dust rising as she put her car into park, shot Kara another text, and climbed out.

“Hear anything else?” Alex asked, worry painted across her features as she greeted Maggie with a hug.

The detective shook her head against Alex’s shoulder. “No.”

Alex squeezed her hand and they made their way through the police cars and ambulance in front of the bar.

The door was rough against Alex’s hand as she pulled it open, holding it for Maggie to enter first before following. The air was thick, the scent of booze pressing up against her nose and permeating the room. To the left were tall tables and, in the corners, booths with seats made of darkened forest green. Her boots thumped against the walnut hardwood floor as they wove a path between the cops and patrons in the front area.

The bar itself was barren of drinks, occupied now by an employee sweeping broken glass off the counter and from the floor, shuffling around the chairs and dust. On the perimeter of the establishments, some customers still drank, having given their witness statements and gone on their way to have another drink.

“Here, I know him.” Maggie tilted her head to a cop past the bar stools. She wrapped a hand around Alex’s bicep, directing her further into the crowd. He stood with his arms crossed, listening to a red-faced man with stubble on his face, bruised knuckles curled into a fist and tapping at his side as he wavered at the end of the counter, slurring his words.

“All right, that’s enough, we have surveillance film and multiple witnesses claiming the opposite.” The officer’s words cut through the din. Alex and Maggie watched as he cuffed the man and passed him off to a younger cop to take to the station.

“Hey, Charles,” Maggie called. She pressed up on her tiptoes and caught his eye, dropping her hand from Alex’s arm and moving closer. “What’s the deal here? You seen Lena Luthor?”

“Yeah. Couple of drunk idiots came in about an hour ago and started causing trouble, the owner asks ‘em to leave and they get angry, look around, spot the Luthor girl at the end of the bar. They’re wasted and pissed, she’s wasted and alone… next thing you know one of the guy takes a swing at her and then a fight breaks out, if you can call it that.”

“What do you mean?” Maggie asked.

“I’ve talked to at least ten other guys here, our tech looked at the security footage. Luthor didn’t do anything to provoke it and she didn’t even resist when it happened.” He shrugged and shook his head. “Just took the beating like she thought she deserved it. You know, I’ve had my reservations about her, but that clip was hard to watch. Just felt bad.”

Maggie’s lungs deflated with a sigh and she ran a hand through her hair. Beside her Alex swallowed hard, fingers curling into fists. The detective reached back, maintaining eye contact with the officer but tapping Alex’s hand with her own, easing it open and slipping her fingers between Alex’s. “She still here?”

“I think so, police already got her statement. Last I saw a medic was trying to treat her over there, in the back.” He pointed toward the right. “But she was kind of giving the woman a hard time, the other lady wasn’t nice either. Luthor just seemed really out of it.”

Maggie nodded. “Thanks, Charles. Have a good night.”

“You too, Sawyer.” He said his goodbyes then made his way to the door, approaching the trio of handcuffed men that had amassed by the entrance of the bar.

“Let’s go see if we can find her,” Maggie said.

Alex worried her lip. Words hung in her throat, collecting rambles of concern that she swallowed down, giving Maggie a nod instead.

/

When she saw Lena from behind, shoulders hunched, head hung, Alex felt anger swirl hot in her stomach, spread warm to her cheeks. Angry that Lena didn’t fight back, angry that Lena was pushing them away, angry that she was running, angry that she was giving up.

But a glass fell, far on the outside of the bar, and Lena still shot up.  She winced, muscles tensing as she spun around toward the source of the clash.

Her wide, red-rimmed eyes fell on Maggie and Alex instead and Alex’s fists uncurled, her lecture unraveled in her head, the anger burning in her chest tripled in size but sprung from a different source as she took in Lena’s state and looked at the men being led out to squad cars.

She almost chased them down.

But then Alex took one more look at Lena’s dulled, unfocused green eyes—watched as she flinched at the medic’s loud voice and gruff touches. “ _Okay,”_ Alex whispered and took a step forward. She flashed her fake FBI badge at the medic.

“No probable concussion,” the woman murmured to herself, then glancing upward at Alex.

The agent tilted her head until the medic came over to Alex and Maggie. “What?”

“We can take it from here.”

The EMT raised her brow. “I’m doing my job right now.”

“And I can finish. I have medical training and she’s clearly uncomfortable with you.”

“But—”

Alex huffed, held up her FBI badge again. “I’ll do it.”

The woman stood up, yanking off her gloves and dropping them onto the table. A thud sounded from the wood when her flashlight and clipboard followed.

Lena winced, shoulders curling inward, a hand holding her side and the other running against her lip.

“Whatever,” the woman said as she walked away. “She was a pain to deal with anyway.”

“Hey!” Alex turned on her heel, heat flooding her face again. “What’d you just say?” She snapped and narrowed her eyes at the retreating woman.

The lady shrugged and turned back. “It’s true.”

“Excuse me?!” Alex took a step in her direction but Maggie caught her wrist, giving a minute shake of her head.

“Let it go,” she murmured and held Alex’s gaze. “She’s not worth it. Lena needs us.”

Alex blew out a hot breath. “Okay.” She looked down at her shoes. She needed to get away and reign her emotions in before getting any closer to Lena right now when she was quick to startle and shaking in her seat. “I’m gonna try Kara again. She didn’t answer any of your calls or texts yet?”

Maggie shook her head. “Nothing.”

/

“Hey, Lena,” Maggie said softly as she came around the side of the table that Lena’s chair had been pulled from. The Luthor squinted at the noise, eyes scanning as she looked for the source of her name.

Her face fell in confusion and a shaky hand rose to rub her temple, oblivious to the bruise darkening around her eye and down to the rise of her cheekbone.

“Hey, hey I’m right here.” Maggie knelt in front of Lena, guiding her chin.

Her bottom lip quivered, swollen and bloodied.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay, Lena.”

“I’m s’rry. Didn’t mean to…” She raised her hand and gestured around, letting it drop in her lap. “All of this. I—” She hiccupped. The breath from her lungs hammered a staccato beat into the air, her eyes squeezing closed. Creases formed in the corners and her palm rubbed against her jeans.

“It’s not your fault,” Alex said and emerged from behind Maggie with a hand on the detective’s back. “How about I pick up where the medic left off. Can you tell me what she’s done so far? Is anything still bothering you?”

Lena shrugged and gave a shake of her head, features pinching at the movement.

“Lena, I need you to do your best to pay attention. Just for a little while, okay?”

She tore her glance from the police officers and turned it lazily onto the picture behind Alex. “ ‘kay”

 “What happened?”

“Uhh dunno.” She hiccupped. “Jus’ took a few hits.  I‘ve ha’ worse.”

A wince escaped as she shifted on the chair, reaching for her pocket. Alex followed the movement with her eyes. Lena’s fingers traced her glasses and tried to pull them out.

The right lens was missing, the left one cracked, the frame askew. The jagged cut and welt rising above Lena’s brow gave Alex some context toward what’d happened.

Beside her, Maggie’s phone vibrated in her pocket. “I’ll be right back,” she said, stepping away. Alex nodded before turning her attention back to Lena.

“Hey, c’mon, we’ll worry about that later,” Alex said, running a hand over the younger woman’s hair.

“ ‘s all blurry.” She twisted around, gasping and snaking a hand around her ribs.

“I know, I’ll work quick so we can get you home and in bed, all right? You need ice and rest.”

Lena’s bottom lip quivered again and the movement drew more blood forward, but still, no tears came.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Alex asked as she worked to clean the blood from Lena’s face.

“You’re being so nice.” Lena hung her head, looking at her hands fidgeting in her lap. “Don’ deserve that”

Alex dropped the damp towel. “Lena, that’s not true.”

“But it is. I—” She trailed off and shrugged.

Before Alex could respond, Maggie was back. A warm smile lit up her face as she approached and settled an easy hand on Lena’s shoulder, brushing gently with her thumb.

“I’ve got something that might make you feel a bit better, Little Luthor.” Maggie’s head tilted to the side and she shook her phone slightly. “Kara’s on her way. She’s gonna be here in just a second or two.”

Alex smiled, sighing in relief. “That’s great.”

She squeezed Lena’s hand and the Luthor pulled away, eyes darting around the room like a cornered and sick animal. “She can’t. She—she can’t be here. She can’t come.”

Lena scampered up, head reeling at the movement and stomach lurching.

“I—I have to—I have to go.”

She bolted into the crowd of cops and patrons.

“Shit,” Alex murmured, following Maggie and taking off after her.

They passed into the main area of the bar, trying to keep an eye on the dark mass of hair when the door to the establishment flew open and Kara stood in the entryway, already arguing with a cop.

Alex stopped, turning toward Maggie. “God, we gotta deal with this. If anyone can help Lena, it’ll be Kara.”

/

“What do you mean she’s not here? Where’d she go?” Kara balked. She stomped her foot on the wooden floor, heart thrashing in her chest.

“I’m sure she didn’t go far. She’s drunk, she’s hurt, she—”

“Okay, okay. Shut up, Alex, I’m trying to listen for her.”

Alex rolled her eyes and Maggie slipped her hand into her fiancée’s. “She’s just stressed,” Maggie whispered, leaning her head on Alex’s shoulder. The agent nodded, cheek pressing against Maggie’s head as she squeezed her hand.

 “Damn it! It’s so loud in here. I can’t focus. I—” she paused, squinting hard. She went rigid for a moment, then rushed off into the crowd.

Alex moved to follow but Maggie shook her head. “Let’s give them space.”

/

“Lena?” Kara called softly, pulling open the door to the bathroom. She pressed her fingertips against the door behind her and eased it closed.

A whimper resounded from a stall and Kara saw Lena sitting on the floor, back pressed against the wall. Half-lidded eyes blinked at the toilet. A sheen of sweat dampened Lena’s forehead against flat and unbrushed hair.

“Lena,” Kara exhaled.

The harsh bathroom lighting was unforgiving, underscoring the bruising across the younger woman’s face, the gauntness she’d acquired in the past weeks, the glassiness over her green eyes.

“Go. Kara, you have to go,” Lena insisted and tried to stumble to her feet to push Kara out. “You can’t be here.”

The brunette reeled backward, resuming her position on the floor with a cracked, empty sob.

Kara rushed forward to help, fingers just centimeters from Lena’s.

“No!” She yelled and scrambled away. Her hands scraped against the uneven tiles of the floor, dust and dirt clinging to her fingertips. In her chest, her aching ribs throbbed, syncopated the pounding in her head. The precarious state of her stomach tipped closer to the edge. “Go,” she murmured miserably, squeezing her eyes shut and digging her nails into her bent knee like it hurt to say the words. “Just go.”

Kara knelt, keeping her proximity distanced and her words soft. “Please,” she begged. “I just want to help you. What can I do to help?”

“Leave.” Lena glared at her hands. “You can leave me alone! You can stop being so damn naïve and pretending that everything is okay, that this is normal. It’s not! So leave, just leave!”

Kara stood, backed toward the door with her heart yanking in her chest, with ice stealing her warmth, and tears pooling in her eyes.

She looped a hand around the door handle, the metal cold against her skin.

She watched as Lena’s features fell at the words she’d spoken, like she’d swallowed poison or choked down a shot of vodka with all the burn and none of the buzz.

Her chest cavity felt like it was full of hazardous material—corrosive, hollowing her out.

Lena dropped her head into her hands; Kara dropped the door handle. The metal slipped from her grip, fingers uncurling.

The door thudded back in place and the control crumbled out of Lena. A whimper preceded the surge of sobs that’d collected like rocks in her throat. She banged a fist against her thigh.

The thrashing echoed against the barren walls and the tile floors and the low ceiling.

Lena bit her split lip, the metallic taste of blood spilt across her tongue. The anger flooded out of her, pooling into an ocean of despair. Her head hung, hands hiding her face, disgusted with herself. Knowing she’d lost Kara forever.

She untangled a hand from her hair, grasped at her arm and just as she was about to dig her nails into the skin, something enveloped her fingers—something warm and soft and smelling of vanilla and rain and mocha coffee.

Lena cracked open her eyes, holding her breath as though afraid she was waking from a dream and Kara would be gone.

Through gray spots ebbing in her vision and the glare of LED lights, Kara took form. A lighthouse on a rocky shore in the middle of a hurricane; a sunrise breaking across the horizon for a lost wanderer; home, after a long sojourn.

Lena exhaled and blinked. Kara’s hand still cradled her own.

She leaned in close, lips near Lena’s ear and voice soft as she lowered Lena’s hand into her lap and let go. “If there’s any truth in you wanting me to leave, then I’ll do it. I’ll go. But I don’t believe it. I know you, Lena, and I don’t think you mean it.”

She paused for a moment with baited breath. “So for a second, just forget about fear, ignore the ruminations in your head and just talk to me. Tell me what you’re really feeling. Tell me what you need.”

Lena untangled the hand in her lap and reached back for Kara’s, still unable to look her in the eyes but clinging as tears seeped forward.

“It’s okay,” Kara murmured, thumb brushing over Lena’s metacarpals.

Lena tugged slightly and pulled her hand from Kara’s. The uneven tile pushed into her knees as Lena shifted up onto them. Finding her balance, she threw her arms around Kara.

The blonde straightened, supporting both their weights as they stood and pressed closer.

“I’m afraid,” she admitted, into the crook of Kara’s neck, feeling the blonde’s hand splay against her back and rub up and down. “Of you seeing me like this. And deciding to leave.”

Tears surged in Kara’s eyes. She tucked her head against Lena’s, burying her face in dark hair. “Oh  _Lena,”_ she whispered and held her tighter. Their bodies swayed slightly for a moment as Kara took a breath and gathered her words. “You have been through so much in your life, I’d be more concerned if you didn’t have feelings like this. And I know they’re paralyzing sometimes, I know they’re awful and terrifying but Lena, you don’t have to hide that from me.”

Kara threaded fingers through Lena’s hair and smoothed it back. “I know from personal experience that letting people in makes it a little better, a little more manageable. So, let me in Lena,  _please_ —let me in so I can support you when it’s hard to do it yourself; so I know when to hug you a little tighter and hold you a little closer; so I know when you need space, or reminders to eat, or something warm to help you sleep.”

Lena hugged Kara tighter, fingers running across the blonde’s back.

“Sorry,” Lena gasped. “I’m sorry for everything, for how I acted. I was scared and I know it’s no excuse, but I’m so sorry.” Her breath picked up, a sharp inhale prickling the hum of air conditioning and chatter outside the door that seemed miles away. Lena rubbed her forehead, still fitted against Kara. “I’m sorry.”

“I know,” Kara soothed. Lena’s head was tucked under her chin, cheek pressed against her neck. “I forgive you.”

Lena shook her head. “I was so horrible to you, to Alex and Maggie—oh God, all the things I did and said. I’ve been horrible, I’m horrible.”

“No,” Kara protested with resolve in her soft words, drawing Lena’s heartrate down with a hand brushing over her shoulder blade. “No,” she pressed more firmly when Lena made a whimper of objection at Kara’s insistence. “You were hurting. You’re hurting.” Kara closed her eyes, felt tears seeping out, and squeezed Lena closer.

When Kara spoke again she leaned back for the first time since they’d embraced and held her girlfriend’s gaze. “But I’m here and you don’t have to hurt alone anymore. We’re going to ride this out together if you’ll let me. If you want me?”

Lena nodded with Kara’s ocean blue eyes reflected in the tears of her own. She sunk back into Kara’s arms, limp and sighing—breathing, fully, for the first time in weeks. “I was just worried at first, everything was so new and perfect between us, and I just—I couldn’t stop the way I was feeling. It had nothing to do with you, it just happens to me, every few years since I started boarding school. The more I tried to hide it from you, the worse I felt and the more I felt like I was blowing this whole thing and I can’t lose this, I can’t lose you, Kara.”

“You won’t,” she reassured, rocking them back and forth.

“Everything is crashing down around me and I can’t—I can’t breathe. It’s all falling apart”

Kara shook her head and linked her hand with Lena’s. “Not this. Not us.”

The Luthor rested her head against Kara’s chest.

“Kara?” she sniffled after a moment of silence and slow rocking. “Could you, um—could we go home? Together,” she clarified. “Would you stay with me?”

Kara pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Lena, I’d do anything in the universe for you.”

With a hand around Lena, tucking her close, Kara listened, heard Alex and Maggie waiting outside at a table in case Kara or Lena needed them. Their heartbeats were impeded by the filling capacity of the bar, patrons flooding back in as the police filtered out.

Kara tugged out her phone and texted with one hand, before sliding it back in her pocket.

Lena’s chest rose and fell against Kara’s side. Her eyes slipping open and closed.

 “Come on.” Kara looked down and smiled, unable to resist pressing another kiss to Lena’s hair. “Let’s get you home.”

/

At a booth in the corner of the bar, Alex’s phone vibrated against the wooden table.

Maggie lifted her head sleepily off her fiancée’s shoulder and blinked blearily. They both stretched, looking at the message on the blue-lit screen at the same time.

**Kara (2)**

**11:09**

Thanks for waiting, you guys can head home

**11:11**

We’re going to be okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this story!! I'm marking it as complete for the moment, but there's a chance I'll add one more chapter as an epilogue or something. I'm coming up to the end of my exams right now (with 6.25 hours of testing tomorrow!! wow can't wait) so I'll see how things go over the next few days and hopefully, I'll get another chapter in. 
> 
> I have a few other supergirl fics I'm working on so let me know what you guys want to read next--which character/relationships (sanvers?? more supercorp??)/plots you want to me to explore and I'll try to work with what I have. 
> 
> Thanks!!<3


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